Blue's AU 4
Apr. 23rd, 2020 09:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
igiko posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
logDon't kill him.
Don't hate him.
Don't leave him behind.
Please.
❥ FIFTH
That's right, he thinks as Toi leaves the ballroom, Toi has always been there. Between the shared nights and meals shared together, the only reason they're parting now is because Zenitsu told him to go. Although a cage separates them, a part of him is still afraid of hurting Toi. That, and it isn't comfortable to be sitting or sleeping on the floor for so long.
Another part of him fears the repercussion of losing control to the monster in front of Toi. He gathers the bloodied haori into his arms and hugs it close. Would Jigoro be disappointed in him by this turn of events? And to think Zenitsu had wanted to—never mind.
If he truly dies here, he'll apologize profusely in person once Jigoro passes in their world. If they all end up in the same afterlife, he'll drop to his knees and apologize to everyone who's on the other side of the mansion, too. Apologize for being so stupid and helpless to the bitter end, and for failing to protect any of them, because he was as horribly weak as he claimed to be from the start.
His face is so thin that it's vanished and been replaced by the visage of a monster.
There's very little that he doesn't hate about himself. His redeeming qualities are so few that he almost cries this time, not because he was abandoned by a friend, but because he couldn't keep that friend by his side. Selfishly clinging onto Toi would've kept him from seeing other people in the mansion who care about him. (He'll have to apologize to Anya for messing also that up.)
He feels sick, too. He remembers clearly what happened the night prior, and it's driving him mad just recollecting the gory pieces. His head swims and he buries it between his chest and knees.
If he's lucky, he won't dream. His eyes slide shut and he dozes, hoping that the monster will go to sleep with him instead of gnashing his teeth at the door, should it open again.
Who's he kidding? If it'll make the visitor uncomfortable to see him, he doesn't want anyone to swing on by.
"You're an eyesore, okay? Why are you here? Why do you insist on clinging here?"
(That's a lie.)
When Zenitsu rouses, Jin Ling is there. While Jin Ling is neither warm nor cold, he's there. He didn't turn his nose up after the trial and tell himself, "This guy's no good." Someone who's thought that wouldn't be here, because Zenitsu wouldn't be worth the time.
He wishes that he were a mouse. Then maybe he wouldn't be feeling this sick right now. But most of all, he's relieved that it wasn't Jin Ling whom he killed that night. How selfish is he to think this way?
His answers come out stilted; his questions, aimless. He wonders if it bothers Jin Ling that he's being withdrawn. Jin Ling is still here, though, and he wants to take that as a good sign. At the very least, their parting isn't terrible.
It used to be easy for him to exclaim his gratitude and throw himself at the nearest person for paying attention to him. Just the other night, he was seated between Toi and Nic and they were playing games together. Constantly losing was stressful, but he was in a wonderful mood from start to finish. Now his own shoulders weigh heavily on themselves; heavier still, however, are the words sitting in his chest.
He made a promise to Agni. No matter what happens, Zenitsu will do his best to make the execution as painless as possible for Ash and those who'll be spectating. Of course, every fiber of his being screams with the desperate desire to live. But if Ash's gambit fails, he'll accept that outcome, no matter how much the thought scares him.
As much as he hates himself, he's more afraid of himself than anything at this moment. This house is terrifying. He can't stand being alone.
He wants to eat soba with Toi. He wants to bicker with Jin Ling. (To accept a cup of pudding from Phoenix.) To play games with Nic. To make Beau smile. To talk to 45 some more. (To make up for what he did to Asch.) To be inspired by Galo. (To hold Anya's hand.) There's so much that he wants to do. He doesn't want to die.
True, there's a chance that they can all be brought back even if he dies tomorrow. Does he fear the pain of dying so much that that assurance fails to comfort him? Maybe, he thinks, because this is all happening just as he's found more friends who haven't left him behind with the clicks of their tongues.
It makes his chest ache. He should go to sleep again. He'll need the energy if he's going to fight the monster for control tomorrow.
If he lives, what will he do? Ah, the answer to that is . . .
Morning comes. When he wakes up after a world of pain, he sits up and throws himself at Ash, profusely shouting his thanks the while. Afterward, he snaps his head toward the crowd with a twinkle in his eyes. He climbs onto his feet, reaches out to grab Jin Ling by the sleeve, and pads over to Toi.
"Now that it's morning, I'm feeling hungry. Let's eat together!"
Don't hate him.
Don't leave him behind.
Please.
❥ FIFTH
That's right, he thinks as Toi leaves the ballroom, Toi has always been there. Between the shared nights and meals shared together, the only reason they're parting now is because Zenitsu told him to go. Although a cage separates them, a part of him is still afraid of hurting Toi. That, and it isn't comfortable to be sitting or sleeping on the floor for so long.
Another part of him fears the repercussion of losing control to the monster in front of Toi. He gathers the bloodied haori into his arms and hugs it close. Would Jigoro be disappointed in him by this turn of events? And to think Zenitsu had wanted to—never mind.
If he truly dies here, he'll apologize profusely in person once Jigoro passes in their world. If they all end up in the same afterlife, he'll drop to his knees and apologize to everyone who's on the other side of the mansion, too. Apologize for being so stupid and helpless to the bitter end, and for failing to protect any of them, because he was as horribly weak as he claimed to be from the start.
His face is so thin that it's vanished and been replaced by the visage of a monster.
There's very little that he doesn't hate about himself. His redeeming qualities are so few that he almost cries this time, not because he was abandoned by a friend, but because he couldn't keep that friend by his side. Selfishly clinging onto Toi would've kept him from seeing other people in the mansion who care about him. (He'll have to apologize to Anya for messing also that up.)
He feels sick, too. He remembers clearly what happened the night prior, and it's driving him mad just recollecting the gory pieces. His head swims and he buries it between his chest and knees.
If he's lucky, he won't dream. His eyes slide shut and he dozes, hoping that the monster will go to sleep with him instead of gnashing his teeth at the door, should it open again.
Who's he kidding? If it'll make the visitor uncomfortable to see him, he doesn't want anyone to swing on by.
"You're an eyesore, okay? Why are you here? Why do you insist on clinging here?"
(That's a lie.)
When Zenitsu rouses, Jin Ling is there. While Jin Ling is neither warm nor cold, he's there. He didn't turn his nose up after the trial and tell himself, "This guy's no good." Someone who's thought that wouldn't be here, because Zenitsu wouldn't be worth the time.
He wishes that he were a mouse. Then maybe he wouldn't be feeling this sick right now. But most of all, he's relieved that it wasn't Jin Ling whom he killed that night. How selfish is he to think this way?
His answers come out stilted; his questions, aimless. He wonders if it bothers Jin Ling that he's being withdrawn. Jin Ling is still here, though, and he wants to take that as a good sign. At the very least, their parting isn't terrible.
It used to be easy for him to exclaim his gratitude and throw himself at the nearest person for paying attention to him. Just the other night, he was seated between Toi and Nic and they were playing games together. Constantly losing was stressful, but he was in a wonderful mood from start to finish. Now his own shoulders weigh heavily on themselves; heavier still, however, are the words sitting in his chest.
He made a promise to Agni. No matter what happens, Zenitsu will do his best to make the execution as painless as possible for Ash and those who'll be spectating. Of course, every fiber of his being screams with the desperate desire to live. But if Ash's gambit fails, he'll accept that outcome, no matter how much the thought scares him.
As much as he hates himself, he's more afraid of himself than anything at this moment. This house is terrifying. He can't stand being alone.
He wants to eat soba with Toi. He wants to bicker with Jin Ling. (To accept a cup of pudding from Phoenix.) To play games with Nic. To make Beau smile. To talk to 45 some more. (To make up for what he did to Asch.) To be inspired by Galo. (To hold Anya's hand.) There's so much that he wants to do. He doesn't want to die.
True, there's a chance that they can all be brought back even if he dies tomorrow. Does he fear the pain of dying so much that that assurance fails to comfort him? Maybe, he thinks, because this is all happening just as he's found more friends who haven't left him behind with the clicks of their tongues.
It makes his chest ache. He should go to sleep again. He'll need the energy if he's going to fight the monster for control tomorrow.
If he lives, what will he do? Ah, the answer to that is . . .
Morning comes. When he wakes up after a world of pain, he sits up and throws himself at Ash, profusely shouting his thanks the while. Afterward, he snaps his head toward the crowd with a twinkle in his eyes. He climbs onto his feet, reaches out to grab Jin Ling by the sleeve, and pads over to Toi.
"Now that it's morning, I'm feeling hungry. Let's eat together!"